Marital Counseling
by sasukedude
Summary: The Briefs and the Sons have a lot of marital issues in need of repair but Can some marriages be mended? Especially a Saiyajin marriage?
1. RolePlaying

Marital Counseling

Session one: Role-Playing

**Counselor**: To establish a trusting marriage I've constructed a theory. Every couple has at least one pet-peeve concerning their better half that drives them up the wall. What we'll practice today is switching places. Think what you'd say to your spouse if you were him/her. We'll start with the Briefs. How about you Mr. Vegeta.

**Vegeta**: I shall take no part in this.

**Bulma**: Then I'll go first. Ahem. _Look at me. I'm the strongest in the galaxy, no the UNIVERSE!! Despite having a high opinion of myself I feel inferior to my own 'Woman' _He doesn't call me his wife. _I spend countless hours in a gravity converting chamber, _as if he's not buff enough as it is, _spending time with my family means having to talk to them, BLAST! _Your turn.

**Vegeta:**It's on now Bitch! _I'm a pompous, grease monkey with nothing better to do then tinker with useless junk. Ooh is that the vacuum cleaner? I think I'll take it apart just to see how it works. Oh fudge I can't put it back together so I'll just transform it into a toaster! _NO ONE LIKES LINT ON THEIR TOAST MRS. FIX-IT!!

**Bulma:** You were the one who broke the damn vacuum in the first place! I was recycling it!!

**Vegeta**: I told you Princes don't do hard labor! I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL--

**Bulma**: Here we go again! Your excuse for everything._ "I'm the prince of this, I'm the king of that". Try being the king of getting a job instead of spending all day in that useless contraption._

**Vegeta: **You're one to talk about useless contraptions! Maybe if you built yourself a CLUE you'd probably have something decent as opposed to the worthless trash you make---

**Bulma:**That worthless trash is what's bringing in the bread, unlike a certain Somebody I know.

**Vegeta**: Why work when your folks are loaded? The famous Thadeus Briefs, founder of capsule corporation, most brilliant man alive with his beautiful wife, Prodigal daughter and bunch of shit throwing animals! Where do I fit in as the trophy husband?

**Bulma**: Oh spare me, maybe if you ditched the troll hair maybe, just maybe you'd be trophy husband quality. Ego much.

**Vegeta**: You want to talk about vanity? How could you when nothing on you is real anymore. 45 year old woman with breasts the size of guava melons, no one's buying it!!

**Bulma**: You bastard!

**Vegeta**: Whore!

**Bulma**: Psycho!

**Vegeta**: Brat!!

**Bulma**: C-cup

**Vegeta**: Hippopotamus!!

**Counselor**: Now we're making progress.


	2. Communication

Marital Counseling

Session 2: Communication

**Counselor: **It's often in marriage that couples don't see eye to eye on a number of situations. This lack of communication tends to soil the relationship itself which leads to misunderstanding which leads to compromise; that road we aim to steer away from. So I've devised a simple course on how to fully interact with your spouse as a basis of mutual connection. Since the Briefs are currently in the time-out corner, we'll start with You Mr. Ans Mrs. Son. Try speaking in a manner Goku would understand.

**Chi-Chi**: If you're certain this will work.

**Counselor**: You have my word.

**Chi-Chi: **Very well then...

[Turns to Goku

**Chi-Chi:** Goku Honey, I know you're trying but I feel like you're ignoring me. Every time I speak to you, you respond with "uh-huh" then you leave. I feel like you're drifting away from me. Like your head is permanently stuck in the clouds. Do you understand?

[Goku's mind browsing elsewhere

**Chi-Chi: **GOKU!!

**Goku**: Oh sorry Chi-Chi did you say something? I'm Hungry.

**Chi-Chi: **Do you see?! He's got a one-track mind! All he thinks about is stuffing his face!! Never says "I love you honey", never kisses me good night or good morning! He's never even so much as bought me a gift just because.

**Goku: **Come on I bought You a gift. Remember that present I gave you for our anniversary?

**Chi-Chi: **Goku you didn't buy that, it was a giraffe you somehow managed to step on and killed to make a coat for me that went horribly wrong so in the end all you did was wolf it down!! IT'S A WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE DIABETES!!

**Goku**: Well you could have at least tried it on; all the effort I put into making it.

Chi-Chi: Goku Neither you nor anyone else can make me wear a coat of Giraffe fur and FECES!! WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THE IDEA?!!

**Goku:** I don't see Goten complaining about **his** Gift.

[Scene changes to Goten having a tea party with a giraffe's head

**Goten:** You barely touched your cookies Geoffry.

[Back to Goku and Chi-Chi

**Chi-Chi:** Goten's 12 and he'll most likely turn out gay, it doesn't take much to impress him; but this is NOT about Goten! Since we're on the topic maybe once in a while you could wash his filthy clothes, and while you're at it, wash Gohan's, and while you're at that, WASH YOURS! God knows your clothes smelled so bad I think they burned a hole in the O-zone layer.

**Goku:** The boys and I train a lot. What do you think sweat smells like daisies?

Chi-Chi: Oh yes. The **BOYS**. Your precious, precious **BOYS**. _"Hey _**_BOYS_**_ don't DON'T mind your mother, she's a dried up old hussy with nothing better to do than take care of us. Oh lord forbid she wash our funky ass clothes, we like smelling like the backside of a camel." _They'll do anything you say. You're_ "Daaaaaaad". _Saving the world means more to you than intimacy with your WIFE! THE ONE YOU SWORE TO LOVE THROUGH THICKNESS AND THIN, 'TILL DEATH DO US PART!! Which has occurred more times than I can count! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR A SINGLE MOTHER TO FEED TWO GROWING BOYS ON A LOW INCOME OF $530 A MONTH?! I HAD TO TAKE 5 PART-TIME JOBS SO WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO EAT GODDAMN FISH EVERYNIGHT FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!!! INCLUDING A JOB AS A WAITRESS AT HOOTERS!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE MEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW SLAP YOUR ASS WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING?! IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YA, ASIDE FROM ALL THE BILLS AND DEBTS YOU LEFT BEHIND FROM ALL THOSE RESTAURANTS, I ACTUALLY HAD TO BORROW MONEY FROM THE BRIEFS JUST TO SURVIVE!!

**Goku:** Chi-Chi calm down!

**Chi-Chi:** Don't you tell me to calm down!!You're never around anymore, you're always late picking Goten up from football practice and when we go out to dinner you embarrass me by cleaning the restaurant out. You don't even touch me anymore!! I can't stand you!! HOW'S THAT FOR COMMUNICATION?!?!

**Bulma[from afar: **You tell him Chi-Chi!!

**Vegeta[from afar: **Silence Cow!

**Counselor:** I think we're done here.


	3. Partnership

**Marital Counseling**

Session-3: **Partnership**

**Counselor:** Upon observing the surveilence tapes I had installed in your home, with only three days of behavioral footage covered, I was appalled. It seems there is a struggle for dominance in the household and with a 13 year old son and an infant in the mix this war amongst spouses must end.

Marriage is a partnership, if you both can't agree on anything then your collaboration will undoubtably suffer. Now I've comprised an exercize that could help to establish a working team out of you two. If your willing to cooperate I'm willing to help.

**Bulma:** Wait a minute you put cameras in my house?

**Counselor:** Ahem, so this is how I've planned it. Bulma since you are the dominant spouse you will portray the indominant spouse. Vegeta however-

**Vegeta:** Dominant spouse? This woman?

**Bulma:** Ah here he goes.

**Vegeta:** No one holds any dominance over me! I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL-

**Bulma:** Keep your goddamn voice down!

**Vegeta:** Yes dear.

Counselor: Um...moving on. Vegeta will simulate Bulma's point of veiw and Bulma vice versa. You will debate about a small problem normal, everyday couples face like money, the kids, you know little things. This exercize is mainly for the two of you to understand that you need to think together for the sake of your marriage.

**Bulma:** Sounds reasonable. I'll do it if he will.

**Vegeta:** Forget it!

**Counselor:** Mr. Vegeta...

**Bulma:** Vegeta you will do it.

**Vegeta:** You don't own me!

**Bulma:** You forget, I do.

(Bulma pulls out a jar with a pair of testicles in it)

**Bulma:** You want them back don'cha?

**Vegeta:** You sneaky bitch.

**Counselor:** Shall we begin?

**Bulma:** Yes.

(Bulma faces Vegeta)

**Bulma:** Vegeta I need to talk to you about Trunks. He's been getting into a lot of trouble lately and he needs guidance from his father.

**Vegeta:** ...(grunt)

**Counlselor:** Mr. Vegeta, try saying _"He's not your problem he's** OUR** problem."_

**Vegeta:** Do I look stupid to you?

**Bulma:** Vegetaaaaaa...

(Bulma shakes jar)

**Vegeta:** (Sigh)...He's not your problem he's **OUR **problem!

**Bulma:** Do you know what he did today?

**Vegeta:** Should I care?

**Bulma:** Oh I think you'll care. It seems he's been suspended for exposing dirty magizines to the other boys at school, I wonder where he could have gotten them from...hmm...

**Vegeta:** How should I know?

**Bulma:** Oh I know you know. You said you got rid of those filthy magizines!

**Vegeta:** Well what else was I supposed to do? You don't even want me touching you anymore!

**Bulma:** Oh god! I told you I just had the baby, you try pushing out a saiyan and tell me you want another one going back inside you in the morning!

**Vegeta:** You were the one who told me to find some other hobbie...well I-

**Bulma:** But I didn't mean go out and buy pornography just so our overzealous mistake could taint 3/4 of the student body with silicon sacks and vaseline!

**Vegeta:** Maybe he needs to suck on someone elses titties for a change.

**Bulma:** What did you say?

**Vegeta:** Do I sound like a jukebox to you? Fine I'll say it again. Stop. Putting. Your. Titties. In. His. Mouth. And. Let. Him. **BE. A. MAN**.

**Counselor:** Oh no.

**Bulma:** (Gasp) Hmph!

Bulma picked up the jar, dropped it and shashed his balls)

**Bulma:** Well maybe I will, then at least one of you will be.

**Vegeta**(shocked): You two-timing bitch!

(Counselor picks up phone)

**Counselor:** Hello? Is this the Army?

* * *

**Sorry for taking so long guys, been pretty backed. With a baby on the way I don't have much time these days. Anyway hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks for reading.**


	4. Confession

**Marital Counseling 4: Confession**

**Counselor:** When a couple gets married, all their secrets must go with them. In order to be unified they must relinquish all the treasures of their past to make room for the future. Apparently you two still have some more of THAT to do. Now, the next exercise will be confession. Speak your mind and let go of all your repressed and most imposing secrets.

**Bulma:** Everything?

**Counselor:** Yes Mrs. Briefs-Vegeta, Everything.

**Vegeta:** HA! Knowing this woman's promiscuous past we should probably order some pop corn because it's BOUND to be a Lifetime movie. ***Vegeta Laughs Hysterically***

**Bulma:** VEGETA, YOUR COOKING SUCKS! *Bulma curls her head into her chest as a gesture of shame*

**Vegeta:** *instantly stops laughing* You.......You said my peach cobbler was the best thing you ever ate.

**Bulma:** I know honey. I just wanted to spare your feelings but to be honest----I'd would rather eat a live rat that was sauteed in fecal matter than eat your peach cobbler.

**Vegeta:** So all those Earthworm burgers......ALL THAT WILD MONGOOSE GUMBO WAS ALL A LIE??!!

**Bulma: **Vegeta baby, people don't eat mongoose!

**Vegeta:** Oh and I suppose you're going to tell me people also don't eat mashed potatoes extracted from the bellies of the rotted carcass of a Mancranian Sea squatter!

**Counselor: **I'm sorry a rotted what?

**Bulma:** See that's what I'm saying; who's going to eat something with the word squatter in it?

**Vegeta: **Save it! I've grown tired of your excuses! Perhaps you would like to hear a confession of mine. Bulma.....ten years ago....I had an affair.

**Bulma:** WHAT?!

**Vegeta:** WITH KAKAROT!

**Chi-Chi:** WHAT?!

**Vegeta:** It's true! One minute we were sparring and before I knew anything we were in Bolivia "getting our freak on" at the summit of Mt. Kilamanjaro!

**Goku:** Chi-Chi...what's Bolivia? Sounds good!

**Chi-Chi:** OH GOD! ***Chi-Chi breaks down crying***

**Bulma:** You're lying.

**Vegeta:** How do you know I'm not telling the truth?

**Bulma:** Because Mt. Kilamanjaro is in Africa.

**Vegeta:** No it isn't.......

**Bulma:** ............

**Vegeta:** ..........BLAST! FINE YOU WANT THE TRUTH?! You remember that tie you gave me for Christmas that I said went perfect with my black suit? IT WAS TACKY!

**Bulma: *Gasp* **THAT TIE BELONGED TO MY GREAT GRANDPOP!

**Vegeta: **FIGURES, ONLY A FOSSIL WOULD WEAR SUCH AN ATROCIOUS THING!

**BULMA:** OH YEAH? WELL.....YOUR HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE SNARF! ***Bulma starts mocking him* **"I'm the prince of all the saiyans snarf snarf."

**Vegeta:** Oh yeah? How much did you pay for that thing on YOUR head Donald Trump! My hair doesn't grow back because it's in my blood, what's your excuse?

**Bulma:** YOUR FEET SMELL LIKE BURNT ASS!

**Vegeta:** YOUR MOTHER'S A WHORE AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ATTRACTED TO HER!

**Bulma: **TRUNKS ISN'T YOURS!

**Counselor:** People, people please calm down! This exercise was so we could let go of the past not use it against one another! It's obvious you two love each other so stop fighting and start reconciling.

**Bulma:** ***sigh*** He's right. I'm sorry honey.

**Vegeta:** Ah hell......I guess I'm sorry too. I didn't mean anything I said.

**Bulma: **Me niether babe.......except that thing about Trunks not being yours.

**Vegeta:** What?!

**Counselor:** I love happy endings.


	5. Soul Mates

**Marital Counseling**

**Session 5: Soul Mates**

**Counselor:** Okay, I know our previous endeavors have been somewhat fruitless but luckily I've been digging deep into your mannerisms and have located the root of your problems. Married couples often marry because they feel a connection to each other, a bond tighter than any material known to man.

**Goku**: I got married because I thought I could eat it!

**Counselor:** Mr. Son! That's a terrible reason to get married! You sir are disgusting!

**Goku**: Why, because I thought "marry" meant food?

**Counselor**: Oh you weren't talking about-ahem-as I was saying, it is this syncronization that allows spouses to understand and communicate with one another. What I'd like to try this session is to have you both say the first word that comes to mind. If you are truly soul mates, eventually you will both say the same word in tandem.

**Chi-Chi: _[Sarcastically]_** Well doesn't **THAT** sound lovely.

**Goku:** What do we get if we win?

**Counselor:** Mr. Son, this isn't a competition, it is an exercise to help strengthen your marriage.

**Goku:** So what you're saying is you can train marriage! Man, this marriage must be one tough guy! I wanna fight him!

**Chi-Chi:** Can't you think of anything besides fighting?

**Goku**: Chi-Chi, you know thinking makes me hungry.

**Counselor:** How about we get started? Say the very first thing that comes to mind. Ready...begin!

**Chi-Chi:** Flowers!

**Goku:** Fish!

**Chi-Chi:** Family!

**Goku:** Fish!

**Chi-Chi**: Love!

**Goku:** Fish!

**Chi-Chi:**[Annoyed] Butcher's knife!

Goku: Fishsticks!

Counselor: Okay, Mr. Son if you can go ahead and say something OTHER than "Fish"...that'd be great.

**Goku**: But didn't you say to say the first thing that comes to mind?

**Counselor:** Well yes I did but one can't possibly think about food all the time.

**Goku:** What else is there to think about?

**Counselor:** Okay, we're going to try this again. Ready...begin!

**Chi-Chi:** Baby's laughter!

**Goku:** Sucker punch!

**Chi-Chi:** Perfume

**Goku:** Squat Thrust!

**Chi-Chi:** Kittens

**Goku:** Yelling louder than your opponent just before you rush him with a kick to the balls!

**Chi-Chi**: Strangled Husband!

**Goku:** FISH!

**Chi-Chi:** OKay, you know what?! **FUCK THIS**!

**Goku:** What's wrong Chi-Chi?

**Chi-Chi:** You know I thought we could make this work Goku but you're obviously not putting any effort into it!

**Goku:** What am I doing wrong?

**Chi-Chi:** See? That's what I'm talking about! You have NO consideration for others, and even less resepct for your own WIFE! Oh but I suppose I should have figured that when you decided to undermine my authority and send our 10 year old son to fight a green bugman with a fucking athletic cup for a dick! And if that isn't enough, you leave our 7 year old son, whom you barely even KNEW, to fight a goddamn monster made out of what I can only describe as PEPTO-BISMOL! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU WON'T EVEN STOP BEING A MUSCLEHEADED NITWIT FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES TO SAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING MARRIAGE! YOU SON GOKU ARE THE WORST HUSBAND IN THE HISTROY OF HUSBANDOM!

**Goku**: You know what? You're right Chi-Chi, I should just stop training and leave saving the world to you for a change. *GASP* That's right, you've NEVER had to save the world have you? You've never been impaled in the chest by a concentrated energy beam, suffered a near fatal heart disease or disintegrated at close range by an explosion strong enough to blow up the planet all just so your ungrateful wife can live to bitch another day. But I suppose if the world is ever threatened by some intergalactic space pirates, an effemminate space tyrant, a mutant cyborg ladybug, or a piece of space bubble gum, you can NAG them all to death!

**Chi-Chi:** Or maybe just leave them to be raised by** YOU**, that way they'll just die of** NEGLECT! BURN!**

**Goku**: Shit just got real bitch! Well at least when I was around GOHAN WASN'T A PUSSY and I'm pretty sure if I was around Goten for DAMN sure wouldn't be spending 99% percent of his time with Trunks!

**Vegeta:** WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

**Goku:** Vegeta, he has a picture of Justin Bieber pre-haircut in his room, don't make me say it.

**Chi-Chi:** You're right, I should have just did what you did with Gohan and leave him with a green, pointy eared guy in a turbin who likes to call himself the demon king for the biggest chunk of his childhood. You know, because you're such a GOOD guy.

**Goku:** Hey! Piccolo is a friend of this family.

**Chi-Chi:** Riiiiight. Hi Uncle Larry, why don't you come over to the little get together. Oh nothing too big just some friends and family-ya'know-Dad, Goku, the boys, grammy-gram, big green scary alien who shoots laser beams from his fingers, that old chestnut.

**Goku:** I thought your Uncle Larry died-

**Chi-Chi:** HE'S IN A DIABETIC COMA!

**Counselor**: Perhaps we should move on to another exercise.

**To Be Continued...**


End file.
